Who knows, maybe?

So I maybe ovulated, can’t really tell.  Thus why I hate not having my cbefm.  I can’t tell because my body never does the typical signs.  My cervix usually takes up to two days to close after ovulation, so I can’t really use that.  Cervical fluid, well I usually have some the day after as well.  Temping, I can’t ever remember having a clear thermal shift, I tend to go up down, up down and then stay up.   So thus I maybe ovulated.  Primarily I just don’t care right now, I hate irregular cycles with a passion and I don’t feel like dealing with it.  I’m going on vacation, so meh.

Otherwise while I’ll enjoy my vacation, I’m waiting for monday so I can call the genetic counseler back.  I already know the results of my bloodwork, I just don’t know what it means for me.  Apparently I have the gene mutation MTFHR, which is somewhat common, however I have two copies of it, which is less common, about 10 percent of the population has it.   It basically means my body doesn’t process folic acid well, and that I’m at a higher risk of bloodclots, it’s always somewhat linked to miscarriages.  The typical regiment seems to be baby aspirin and prescription strength folic acid.  And once I’m pregnant, it probaly means lots of bloodwork and possible lovenox injections.  Yeah, go me.

However at least there’s a solution I suppose, not sure how I feel about something actually being wrong.  It’ll be interesting to see what they suggest, not to mention my current Ob, well he’s pretty passive, so I’m worried he’ll just ignore it.  If so, I will be seeing someone else.

Bah…

CBEFM Sticks = Crack

Yeah, I went to like three stores today trying to find sticks, yeah, I got nothing.  Seriously I didn’t realize these things were so popular.  So needless to say I will have no idea if I’m peaking tommorow.  I suppose I could of bought opks, but I always find that I have an incredibly long sure on opks, with the cbefm I can tell the exact day I ovulate.  Anywho, I originally considered going out tommorow to get some, but I can’t justify spending the money.

I mean they’re 50 dollars.  I sorta need that money, like I really need to replace the cat’s automatic feeder because it saves on cat food.  And we’re getting close where I need to money crunch.  I mean I’m not gonna really be bringing home much money, so yeah, I think that I’ll just have to stick with the cheap way.  As much as I don’t want to temp, it’s really the only option right now.

In other news my body is being confusing this month, I had ewcm yesterday, but none today.  Tommorow should of been my first peak day, but without my sticks I’m not so sure.  It’ll be hard to time it exactly.  Maybe I can find a good deal on ebay for the next couple months, but this month I’m on my own.

Genetic Counseling Appointment

So I must say that made me feel loads better.  It was nice to hear someone who wasn’t a doctor explain it.  I felt like when it was the doctor that I was just another 20% statistic.  With her, she went through everything.  Also spent time explaining the issues we had with DH’s cancer history, and my mother’s lupus/factor V history.  She also explained those were unlikely causes of the miscarriage, but it was nice to get tested for it because when I do get pregnant again, they’ll want to monitor me closer if I have it.

So I got some blood drawn and will see about that in a few weeks.  It was also really nice to hear someone tell me they think I’ll be able to have a perfectly healthy baby.  I mean yeah family/friends tell me that, but someone who actually has some knowledge of it all?  Well, that just makes me feel a lot better. 

Overall I think I’m doing better, I just sat in a room of pregnant women for a good half hour, and you know what?  It didn’t really bother me.  I feel very at peace this cycle.  I’m focusing on working out and loosing weight, also been drawing some again and just fun life things in general.  I’m glad to finally feel like myself again, and not just with the miscarraige, but honestly before I even started TTC.  I’ve been off birth control for a year now, and I realized all I think about is getting pregnant and babies.  I need to focus on other things too.  Life doesn’t stop just because I’m not pregnant yet.

TTC Stats.

CD 12

CBEFM - High

EWCM

Feeling Fat.

So I’m feeling a bit fat today, doesn’t help DH just made a comment about my pouch.  I’m having a hard time loosing the weight, granted I did take about a week or so off.  I’ve done pretty good in the past week or so.  I’ve worked out 5 out of the 7 days for at least a half hour.  I just wish I saw some more results from it.  It seems like the only way for me to loose weight is to eat nothing, but salads.  It’s just depressing.  However that’s one of my goals right now, so I’ll keep working at it.

TTC wise, it’s cd 9.  I’m getting a high on my cbefm, and starting to have creamy cm.  So I’m hoping for a normal cd 15 O.  We have our genetics appointment on wednesday, so that will be interesting.

An Angel for my Angels.

http://www.pandora-jewelry.com/US/Jewelry/Charms/Sterlingsilver/79337.aspx

 

So I own a pandora bracelet, it was one of things I wanted for christmas from DH.  Well so far I only have three charms.  One heart (love), a turtle (for our honeymoon in hawaii), and a cat (for my furbabies).  I try to pick stuff that has meaning to me.  So while we were out today at the art fair, I had to take a look at the shop downtown.  I saw this little angel, and knew it was for me.  I’ve been wanting something to represent my babies, not something that would have people asking a lot of questions or anything like that, but something simple that I knew what it meant to me.

Consequently I find it interesting that this charm is called “The Angel of Hope”.

Days like today.

Make me wanna sleep.  When you wake up and it looks like it’s 10 at night, yeah that’s a day just to go back to bed.  Not sure what I wanna do today.  We’re supposed to go to the art fair, but it needs to stop raining to do that and we probaly won’t go til the evening anyways.  Other than that, I’m planning on working out and I guess some random stuff around the house.  I’m hoping to organize the closet, so I suppose I’ll work on that.

As for TTC, not a whole lot going on, temps are wacky, but I’ve decided that’s do to my sleeping patterns.  Apparrently my body now thinks 7:00 is the time to get up in the morning.  I don’t really mind temping, but I know DH thinks it’s obsessive, so I usually temp after he goes to work.  Well on our days off, it gets a bit hard to properly temp.  Oh well.

Otherwise just trying to focus on having fun, and not thinking depressing thoughts 24/7.  Which I’m finding hard.  I find that I associate everything to where I would of been at in the pregnancy.  Like I would of been 15 weeks, so almost four months.  I would of possibly been showing, and getting close to feeling the baby, etc, and then I just find myself getting bitter and angry.  Needless to say it sucks.   I truly wonder if I’ll ever have a baby.

Laaa…

So it seems like AF is gone… which was odd.  I had a light flow yesterday and so far nothing today.  Granted I normally have short periods, but this one was just different.  A typical period for me is, spotting the night before.  Heavy AF w/occasional cramps CD1, CD2 Medium to light flow.  CD 3 Light Flow. CD 4 Spotting.  This period was spotting almost light flow.  Then real heavy crampy cd1.  cd2 consisted of the same. cd3 went to medium still with cramps.  And cd 4 light, and then today cd 5 nothing. 

Also I’m confused on my temps.  I typically take my temperature at 9 because that was my normal get up time.  This week I’ve been getting up at 7.  So I adjusted my temps, so.

CD 1 - didn’t temp

CD 2 - Adjusted - 97.99

            Not Adjusted - 97. 59

CD 3 - Adj - 97.92

            Not - 97.52

CD 4 - Adj - 97.96

            Not - 97.56

CD 5 - Adj - 98.05

           Not - 97.8

 

So regardless of being adjusted or not, temps are still a bit high for right now.  Granted my temps are always high the first day of AF, they generally drop after that.  Overall it’s rather confusing.  I remember why I don’t like charting, lol.

Blah…

Totally feeling worn out.   Not the type where my body isn’t up to something, just mentally and emotionally drained.  Yesterday was fun, but a long day.   I’m excited for my brother and SIL, but it was so hard hearing her talk about all the things that I won’t be experiencing and so on.  It made me realize this may be one of those things that I never really get over.  Considering it’s been almost six weeks now and it can still send me into tears.

I have a dentist appointment tommorow and if I didn’t need my teeth fixed I’d cancel it after the way the receptionist talked to me.  Granted, I’ll admit I did miss an appointment a few months ago, and I didn’t call.  I know that’s a big no-no in receptionistland.  However her attitude still wasn’t necessary.  First off they called me at work, because supposedly she couldn’t get a hold of me on my cell phone, granted I don’t have any messages or missed calls on there.  And the way she started the conversation was just bad.  She started off saying “Well I’m giving you a chance to cancel, like now.”  Me, I’m thinking because something is wrong or the doctor needs to reschedule.  “Because you know you’ve not shown up for your last two appointments and the next time will be a 25 dollar fee.”  I just muttered I’ll be there and she hung up. 

After a while I realized that the last apointment I did call and reschedule so I really didn’t deserve her attitude at all. It was just the way she said it, it really set me off.  I don’t talk to patients that way, so what gives her the right.  Needless to say I’m not sure I’ll be returning to that office.  I feel bad because DH has gone there forever, but I have enough going on in life without be harrassed by someone like that.

Otherwise AF is finally starting to slow.  This was probaly one of my heaviest AF’s ever.   Which I found a bit surprising since people said AF is typically lighter post D&C.  Makes me wonder if I really did have a chemical pregnancy.

Ow.

This seriously has to be one of the more crampy AF’s I’ve had.  It’s not the worse, I can distinctly remember having cramps so bad to the point where I wouldn’t move.  But still this is the aggravating like somebody constantly poking me cramps.  Granted, I have yet to take my daily dose of advil yet, but still.

Other than that, gotta get ready for work, and then afterwards hanging out with a friend.  I’m looking forward to it, I need the distraction.  I’m having serious my body is a failure issues right now.  I’m trying to find joy for those around me, and having a hard time with it.  My SIL is getting her first ultrasound today and I’m happy for her, but I know hearing about it tommorow will be rough.  It’s really hard to hear about such things when you’re going through AF, and coming up to a year of a trying with no sucessful pregnancy. 

Stats are as follows…

13 cycles.

11 months trying.

I’ve looped around on birth boards.  When I first joined preg.org I was on the april bb.  I find myself again.  I know, I said I wouldn’t bb jump, but I feel the need to dream I guess.  So begins the role of charting again, because if I do have to go see an RE, I’m going prepared.

So I’m need of one of these…

Every now and then I like to make a post about what I’m grateful for.  I’ve realized with recent happenings that I’ve been getting a bit bitter.  A lot of my thoughts consist of ” the people around me can’t understand my pain because they have children “.  I realize this isn’t really fair, and even though I believe that to a extent, however it doesn’t mean they care or sympathize.  It reminds of me of someone who makes others miserable because they’re dying or in pain.   I keep asking myself why can’t my body just give me what I want and so on. 

So in honor of improving my mood…. a post dedicated to what I’m grateful for in life, and the things that make me happy.

 

I’m grateful for my husband because he loves me unconditionally.  Whether it be when I look my worst, or piss him off, he’s always there for me.

I’m grateful for my family.  Even though they sometimes say the wrong thing, or get on my nerves.  They’re still my family and I can’t imagine my life without them.

I’m grateful for my health.  Even though I have yet to be able to have a baby, I’m still fairly healthy.

I’m grateful that I have a paying job.  Even though I hate, hate it at times.  I’m still happy to have a job and thankful when so many others are struggling.

I’m grateful for my two furbabies.  They can always make me feel better.